Jack Handy quotes

I feel the need, the desire, and I'll even go so far as to say duty, to post some Jack Handy's deep thoughts. 

1.) "A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."


2.)"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."


3.) "As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint."


4.) "I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!"


5.) "I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."


6.) "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him."


7.) "As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"


and my personal favorite: 

“If you ever fall off the empire state building, just go real limp, because maybe  people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

Hello Cloud

hello cloud, I shall release some of my thoughts into your vast memory once again. I'm so poetic! I am making decorative Books of Mormon for some of my friends and family with mod podge and iron on flowers. they are pretty dang neat. It is taking me a lot longer than expected though. I got my car washed for free with a coupon from my G daddy today. I might do my nails. and I am going to watch the fireworks on the roof tonight (it's NYE ([New Years Eve] eat lots of food and vow not to eat anymore for the rest of the year day))  or something like that. I don't ever get into new years resolutions. I tried to last year and didn't last past the first day. I'm so weak! I may make one this year... I don't know what i'm going to change though.. i'm pretty happy and healthy as of right now.
     I'm such a bad blogger. who would want to read this? lol. i'm talking about painting my nails (boring) and washing my car (very mundane). I am using a lot of interesting punctuation though. *note the array of brackets and parenthesis above and the eye catching asterisk at the beginning of this sentence.  I leave on a mission for my church in 25 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry I couldn't stop holding down the exclamation key, I think it needs one more though to capture the extent of my excitement, !. perfect. I am going to the Milwaukee Wisconsin mission. could I have gotten a more difficult US mission to spell!? It seriously took me like three weeks to get that down... I                                          have                                 nothing                                    more                                           to                                      say. Oh! I got my coat in today, the one I ordered for the extremely cold temperatures of Wisconsin. It is awesome. super long though, longer than I expected but woo doggy, I will be warmer than a pig in a blanket. I'll see if I can figure out how to post a picture on here. Technologically impaired, I am. (said in a Yoda accent. I'm pretty good at that) well, I got to go do something more productive than type to ... no one... haha Lata!!